When the loss is great.

In the year 2018, I lost four very dear family members and one friend. Death is a natural part of life and it can’t be escaped. As a Christian, I know that my loved ones that were saved are walking the golden streets of Heaven as they worship and praise God. For the ones whose salvation I am unsure, I can do nothing about their death except pray that any future relations will know Christ. I pray that He will use me.

Despite the knowledge that God has everything in His hands, it was still a test and trial to wake up every day and face the new normal. There have been so many moments where I thought that the tears would never end. I knew that God was holding me in His hand, but I still was feeling the hurt.

“I will lift up my eyes to the hills— From whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.” – Psalm 121:1-2

A friend of mine from college took his own life back in August and to tell the truth, I was so numb from that. I wanted to wake back up and be told that it didn’t happen. I remember getting the news in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep. I just wrote and cried and prayed. He was one of those people that you never really shared with them how important they were in your life because you didn’t know how to say it, yet they were the most intriguing person you had ever met. When I think about going back to visit my college and my friends at school, I realize that he will not be on the list of people to look up and see how they are doing.

Later in the year, I lost another family member to suicide. That loss hit hard. When I try to comprehend the events surrounding that death, it all makes it harder to not cry. Life has moved to a better place where the new normal has taken place and healing has begun. By the grace of God, there have been so many moments where I have turned to Him and Him alone for strength. I have poured my heart out to Him in agony and helplessness. I am so weak and so frail. I can’t be the strength that everyone around me needs.

It’s in those moments that I realize I am not supposed to know how to be strong and hold everyone up. Instead, I am supposed to lead them to the One who can be the strength and comfort that won’t break from weakness or frailty.

There will never be a death that will not sting. My greatest desire is to reach the lost who wander looking for hope. When their death comes and their life is over, I want to be rejoicing that they are in Heaven with the Lord because I know that Hope found them. I want to live every day of my life walking and working in the way of the Lord.

There is an album by Jason Gray that God used in my life to help me both heal and see the goodness of Him in everything. I really encourage you to go and listen to the songs. This is my favorite of his and the words are so thought-provoking and deep.

Love Will Have the Final Word by Jason Gray


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